With My Hands Wide Open

I spent my summer in the most beautiful, challenging, humbling place I've ever been. It's called Camp Barnabas and it's a Christian camp for kids and adults with special needs. For 10 weeks I was there, doing everything from kitchen to activities to cabin staffing. I got to interact with campers, volunteers, siblings, and staff. I grew, and was changed, beyond what I can even see.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy, or even that I liked it all the time. In fact there were many times, days, even weeks, when all I wanted was to go home. I was alone, overwhelmed, scared, and inadequate. I didn't understand why a God who loved me had set me in this terrifying, lonely place. I felt abandoned.

For weeks I begged God to show me my purpose, to give me a relationship, to make me feel purposeful and needed. I cried out with my whole heart, convinced that my God was not listening. Barnabas was hard for me in every possible way. For the first time in my life I was stuck in a job that I didn't really know how to do. I had never been there and I had never worked with special needs. I needed help, constantly, and I had to humble myself enough to ask for it. I was alone, forced to seek out and be intentional about building relationships, and relying on my God to satisfy me. I was terrified. Of everything. Of messing up, of not being good enough. I was incredibly uncomfortable, and constantly exhausted. And whenever I finally felt like I had my head above water something else would happen and I would be pushed back under. The summer never got easier, but it did get better.

There wasn't a real turning point. Relationships were built, lessons were realized, my trust grew. I cannot say I came out of the summer with full confidence in myself, not even close. But I can say that it grew, and that it will continue to grow. I stopped for a while and realized that I had spent the first half of my summer begging God to show me something, to give me a solid reason for why I was there, and all along He had been answering. My Father was telling me to wait, and I was not satisfied with that. And then I decided to be. God's purpose for my summer goes far beyond what I could see, or what I can see now. It was not in one moment or one camper or one relationship, but in every moment I grew in patience, and in every joyful day, and in every time I surrendered back to Him.

I could talk about my summer for hours, there isn't enough time to talk about the beauty that is Barnabas. I have never met a more compassionate set of junior highers before I got to spend a week with senior sibs. I've never felt so much love until Becca held up her "I love you" sign and said, "Love you more." I've never seen so much joy before I saw Lily go down the slide. I've never had quieter moments than simply rubbing camper's backs until they fell asleep. I've never held so many hands or gotten so many hugs. I've never heard prayers more genuine than that of camper's. I've never loved people watching so much until I spent an afternoon at the Barnabas pool. I fell in love with camper arrival week after week, it's a glimpse of heaven.

My God blessed me in more ways than I can imagine. I was given the privilege of building some of the most wonderful relationships with staff, girls whom I adore and who have shown me how big the love of Christ really is. I was given challenges, that I hated in the moment, hurdles I thought I could never jump. But looking back I can't imagine it going another way. God's plan prevailed over and over again, and each time it was so much better than mine.

This summer Jesus lead me, through the most perfect plan, to a place that took everything away from me. I was put down with no friends, no confidence, and no idea how to do my job. There was nothing I could hold onto. I was walking with my hands wide open. He put this huge mountain in front of me, and it wasn't usually easy. There were a lot of days that I wanted to just turn around. There were a lot of tears. But sometimes I would reach a resting point and I could see how far I'd come. I could look around and see the beauty. And I realized over and over again that I was holding onto something that would never let go. The God of the universe patiently lead me through my summer, even when I had no trust, even in exhaustion, even in paralyzing fear. He never let go of me.

It has been three days since I left the place I called home all summer, and I miss it. This alone goes to show how far I came, because at the beginning I could have left and never looked back. But I do miss it. I am so thankful for this place that I didn't even know existed a year ago. I am in awe of God's perfect plans. I stand amazed at His love, grace, and patience with me. I cannot praise Him enough for his goodness, His faithfulness, His gentleness.

We have the most trustworthy God. He is bigger than any problem we can face, and His love is not driven by our failures or our successes. His purpose is for our good, it doesn't always feel good. He does not lead us into a place just to abandon us. He is so very, very good, and I praise Him that I got to learn all of this at such a beautiful place this summer.