This morning at daycare Iris, one of my favorite little ones, came in. Her mom put her stuff away and after about five minutes had to leave. Iris didn't cry, but she followed her mom all the way to the door, looking a little concerned. Her mom slipped out the door and allowed Iris to close it behind her, so that Iris could be with her until the last minute.
But as soon as the door was shut Iris turned and ran towards me, arms out, expecting to be caught. I obliged and she wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder. After simply sitting quietly with me for a few minutes she was ready to play.
Iris knew that even after her mom had gone she had comfort at daycare. She was loved and wanted and not alone. While it maybe concerned her that mom was leaving she knew she'd come back later and that daycare is a fun, safe place to stay.
Jesus never closes a door and leaves us stranded.
I was supposed to spend this summer back at Camp Barnabas. As we all know (cause I talk about it all the time) I love camp and it changed my life. I've been waiting since October to get a contract. Camp was the plan. I couldn't imagine not going back after last summer.
Then, finally, in January I got an offer. All summer at the lake.
Not exactly what I was looking for, but I knew that God is faithful. Even though I love Purdy and my friends wouldn't be there camp is camp and it would be okay. There would still be campers and wonderful staff and the feeling of all of it.
Then I got my contract for the job....and I did nothing. I looked at it and put it away for a few days. Looked at it again and put it away. This went on for two weeks. If you know me at all you know that isn't like me. I love having things done and finalized. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to print the contract, let alone fill it out. Something was holding me back.
It didn't happen all at once. But over the course of about three weeks I realized that it was another option that was holding me back. The biggest blessing at college so far has been my involvement in Parkview Church and their college ministry, 24:7. One thing that 24:7 does is a summer training program called ICity. They'd been talking about it since August, but my plan had always been camp so I just sort of ignored it. However little by little it began to enter my mind.
At first I pushed it away. Like Iris wanted her mom, I wanted camp. But I didn't fight it terribly hard, because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this was better. I knew that it would be okay and that I needed to let it go. I followed camp to the end of the road. I wanted it. I wanted the decision to be easy, I wanted to go where I had been planning to go.
But I wouldn't grow as much as camp. I wouldn't be as joyful, confident, or invested. I wouldn't be at peace with it. I couldn't sign those contracts. I couldn't hold onto it.
And so through many, many prayers and conversations Jesus allowed me to shut that door myself.
But when I turn around I see only love. When I turn from that door I see another one in ICity. I see a good place. I see brothers and sisters walking alongside me. I see a city I love and I see oppurtunities.
But above all I see my Jesus standing, His arms wide open, waiting for me to run into them.
And He will carry me. He will hold me, and He will allow me to enjoy my summer. To grow and be taught and see more and more of Him. Like Iris's mom did not leave her in a sad or scary place neither has He.
Daycare isn't always that easy. Some days Iris or other kids come in a little more upset and there are many more tears when parents leave. Some days they come bounding in and forget they even have parents. It's ever-changing. However the daycare itself is not. They are always wanted and always loved there, on good and bad days. They will always have teachers and friends waiting for them.
Some days are scarier than others. This is true for life and for my summer. Already I see that I will have days when all I do is ache for camp. Other days I will be able to leave camp at the door and get excited about all that ICity is offering me. I'm sure that the program itself will have good days and bad days. Sometimes I might feel like my God is closing all the doors around me and leaving me alone. But that is never true. He is always there, always waiting. And when I'm too sad or afraid to come running to him He comes to me. He pursues me, daily, because He loves me. I am His and He will not stand without comforting me.
"Are you at peace with it?"
This is the question I keep getting. It's a legitimate question, but I'm learning that its answer is complex. Iris was not totally at peace with mom leaving. You could see in her face that it wasn't totally okay and that really she would prefer if mom would just come back. But she also knew that it would be alright. That if she just sat for a while she would feel better. She still had peace.
Peace, I've learned, is not everything going my way. It is not being completely okay with what's happening around me. It's not never doubting or questioning. It's not complete fearlessness. It's not always easy. It's usually a fight to find.
But it is knowing that whatever is happening in or around us God is faithful and constant and He has us in the palm of His hands and that His purpose is only for our good.
This summer will good because my God is good. I am incredibly sad to say that I'm not going back to Barnabas. However, I am so very thankful for the summer I did have there. I know that it was worth it. Above all I know that God is faithful. I will never really understand why Barnabas became a part of my life, but I'm so glad it did. God's ways are good, but often funny, and usually not what I want or expect.
One verse (of many) that I am currently clinging to is Ephesians 3:20, which says: Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.
God is going to do things with this summer (and life) that I will not expect. He is probably going to make more of it than I could even begin to imagine. This verse is truth, proven over and over again in my life. I am confident in my faithful, joyful, loving Lord and know that if I am anchored to Him, running into His arms then it doesn't matter what door has closed or where I have found myself.
I am safe. I am His.
And this summer will good beause of that.
