The Comfort Zone

I love life after high school so far, and I'm barely even in it. I'm so, incredibly, amazingly happy with my decision to graduate early. I could write a novel about how happy I am. I love everything about it. I like my DMACC classes much better. I love working and making money instead of sitting in a boring class. I love having random days off. I love not worrying about speech or band. I love not seeing people I don't like everyday. I love discovering who really cares about me. I love it. I love it all so much.

But since graduating I have encountered something I did not expect to feel so much.

Fear.

Despite all that I hated about high school, it did have one perk. It was stable. I knew what was going to happen. It was safe, I knew my way around, I knew the routine. I knew the people and the place and the way to act and be and what to do.

Not so much anymore.

A new job, college classes. Even going back to things, like speech contests has changed. I'm not a part of that anymore. Many people have already made it clear that our "friendship" will not last past this year, and has in fact already began to disappear.

If nothing else, at least high school was safe. And comfortable.

And so by pulling myself out of that, I got the opposite of those things. I feel insecure, unsafe, uncomfortable.

And I know that it's only going to continue. After this I'm headed to a camp that is "unsafe" as well. Then off to real college. From now on I think I will spend more time than not in "unsafe" situations, and if I do get comfortable, it will change real quick.

And so I have to search. I have to search for my comfort, safety, and stability in something else. Something unchanging, something that will never leave me.

Malachi 3:6a says "I am the Lord, and I do not change."

Finding my safety in Christ is a difficult thing, because God is not necessarily safe. His plan will often push and pull me. I will often doubt and question and be afraid of what He wants for me. But it is finding peace and joy and trust THROUGH all these feelings that makes Him so unchanging.

He is stable because of his unchanging love and understanding. I am safe in His arms. I will fall. I will fail. I will feel afraid and unhappy and uncomfortable. But in Him I can constantly find love and joy and comfort. 

Jesus needs to be my comfort zone, so that as long as I have Him I will feel safe. 

He is teaching me so much this semester already. Finding myself and my worth in Him is a lesson I re-learn daily. God shows Himself to me everyday. In children at work, in a friend at DMACC, in an encouraging text, or a call from my best friend. In the sunset and trees and a good grade. In quiet time and getting to sleep in. 

I am learning to look for these things.

I am learning to find Him and seek Him in my moments of fear. 

I am learning that His purpose for me is bigger than I can imagine.

I am His and He is mine.

And in His promises, I am safe.

Do They Shower at Barnabas?

My testimony is incredibly independent. That is, I chose my faith. I chose to follow Christ. Not because my parents do. Not even because my friends did. Every choice, to go to church or youth group or to read the Bible, was completely MINE. I've never been pushed or felt it was expected of me. 

One summer, in 2006, I made another choice. I chose to attend summer camp for the first time at Hidden Acres Christian Center. And it was there I learned worship and witnessed what it looked like to really live for Christ. 

And then I chose to go back. Again and again I went back. And then in 2011 I made another choice, to spend my summer at the camp that changed my life. I was a cook, and then for two summers after that I was a junior counselor. I loved it. When I got my first contract, I cried. I was so excited. Hidden Acres.....CAMP.....changed my life. It's where I found my true love for children, it's where I met my mentor, and my best friends. If you ask me for a favorite memory camp is the first thing that comes to mind. Even the tough weeks were good. Leaving every summer is so difficult. My life would be ridiculously different without camp. I would not be who I am today, and I'm eternally grateful for "the place set apart for me."

And it is because of all of this that I am sad to say I will not be going back this summer. For the first time in 8 years I will spend a summer without stepping foot on HA property. Thinking about this at any level amazes me. It is like my family or school....I can't imagine life without it. I can't imagine a summer without it. I am truly in love with that place, and thinking about not going back this summer.....or possibly ever.....makes me sad.

So, where will I be this summer than?

Camp Barnabas.

Yes, a different camp. A camp similar to Hidden Acres in many ways, and yet so different. Barnabas is located in Missiouri, a 6 hour drive. It's purpose, like HA, is to preach the gospel and Christ's love to children. But these children are different. All of them are disabled, physically or mentally, or chronicly ill, or a sibling of one of those kids.

I will be there for nearly 3 months, from May 21st to August 9th. I've dedicated both my summer 2014 and 2015. This summer I will be part of Core Team, a group of kids that fill in the gaps, and I could be doing something different everyday. In 2015 I will get the first choice of what I'd like to do, and will probably be a counselor. 

The video at the top of this page shows Barnabas. It's hard for me to watch this video without crying. I have watched videos of these children and this place a thousand times since I got the job in December, and they still make me cry. I can't tell you why. It just breaks my heart and yet mends it all at once. I find this kids so beautiful, so joyous, and I can see Christ, even in just their smiles. I know, without a doubt, that God is calling me there and that I will grow and witness Him this summer. 

I'm scared. I'm so scared. I've never been to a place where I don't know anyone. I could walk around HA in my sleep, but I've never been to Barnabas. Even simple things scare me. I have this whole, big, idea of camp and what it's supposed to be. But not everything will be the same. What do they eat there? What does staff do on weekends? Are there daily meetings? Do I still have to watch an epi pen video? Do they shower on a regular basis? 

And then, of course, the deeper doubts. What if I hate it? What if I don't make friends? What if it's really hard? What if I feel alone? What if I don't want to go back in 2015? 

I know that I'm going to be okay. God tells us over and over again to not be afraid. I'm holding onto His promises, and know that everything is for my good. I know that I'm going to be okay. Underneath my fears a river of excitement is flowing, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me at this place. Hidden Acres staff will be in my prayers this summer, and I will miss it deeply. But I'm also so excited for MY summer. I cannot wait to be here, and start something new.