Child Life What?

So it's almost May, almost graduation, and almost time for the rest of my life. With graduation fast approaching I have to continually answer that question that all seniors get sick of by about January,

"So what are you going to do after high school?"

Unfortunately my early graduation did not aide me in not having to answer this question. So what do I want to do? Oh I am going to the University of Iowa….to major in child life.

Child what?

My conversation never ends there, it simply evolves into convincing whoever I am talking too that I am not going to become homeless and living on the streets, and this is indeed a real major and job.

I know this isn't super consistent with other posts, but it's my blog so this is what I'm doing.

Also this thing I'm going to major in and become is what I'm most passionate about (other than Jesus of course) and it's important to me that I educate every single person possible. So here we go!

In the fall of 2014 I'll be heading to the University of Iowa to major in Leisure Studies on the Child Life Track. Woah what a mouthful. I put that on all my scholarships and they will probably get thrown out because it sounds like something I made up. Leisure Studies? Sounds like I'll be spending my college years on the couch. But that is not true! (I mean, mostly anyway.)

What am I going to do with this crazy major? Become a Child Life Specialist (CLS) of course!

Child Life Specialists are "trained professionals with expertise in helping children and their families overcome life’s most challenging events." That is straight off the Child Life Council website. So now you have a clear understanding of how I'll be making a living, right?

Well…probably not. So let me enlighten you a little more…..

WITH SOME MORE COUNCIL QUOTES.

"Child life specialists promote effective coping through play, preparation, education, and self-expression activities."

"They provide emotional support for families, and encourage optimum development of children facing a broad range of challenging experiences, particularly those related to healthcare and hospitalization."

"Because they understand that a child’s wellbeing depends on the support of the family, child life specialists provide information, support and guidance to parents, siblings, and other family members."

"They also play a vital role in educating caregivers, administrators, and the general public about the needs of children under stress."

They just put it in such an eloquent way. I'm still working on my delivery, which can range from a 10 second explanation to a 10 minute speech, depending on how much the person I'm talking to actually cares.

Here's whats up. Basically I want to work in a hospital. I don't want to be a nurse or doctor. I want to help children cope, through what they know how to do best, be kids. I want to help them understand what a heart surgery is by demonstrating on their teddy bear. I want to distract them from IV's with bubbles and toys. I want to make sure that in the midst of chemo they still get to play. I want families to feel comfortable in the hospital, I don't want siblings to be left out. I want to make Christmas at the hospital just as fun as the one at home and I want to make sure sicks kids still get to make messes and paint and play dress-up because nothing should stop a kid from being a kid.

My career path is not an easy one. It sounds like I will be playing and watching movies all day, but that is not true. You cannot work around sick kids and have an easy job. 

My dream is to move to the east coast and work at a large children's hospital with terminally ill children. 

Before I can even think of doing that, however, I have to get into the program at Iowa, where about 30 out of 100 applicants will get accepted. Volunteer hours, expereince with kids, and grades are only a few of the things they consider for applicants.

I have to keep up my grades, because internships require good grades, St. Judes, for example requires a 3.5. 

Then I have to apply for internships, of which there are few. There are approximately 5,000 hospitals in the United States. 400 of these have child life programs. Fewer than that have internships. That may sound like a lot, but when I'm competing with every other child life student in the United States for a limited number of spots it's not.

To get certified I then have to complete the certification exam, a four hour, 150 question test that I must pass in order to become a certified child life specialist.

Then I'm off to find a job which, again are growing, but are few and difficult to get sometimes. Then, hopefully, after I find a job I can work on getting my master's degree. And as you can imagine, I won't be getting paid very much.

I've known that I wanted to do this since I was fifteen, after volunteering for a year at Blank Children's Hospital with child life specialists in the playroom. This is my calling, this is God's plan for my life, I know it. But it won't be an easy one. But I love it so much, I already do. I know it will require me to work hard and put myself out there. It could easily include many disappointments. But somehow I will get there and it will be amazing.

It's good to know what I want to do with my life, but it also brings forth an array of problems. It's hard to trust God's plan when I'm often so convinced that mine is perfect already. It is showing me how to trust Him and His timing, and how my future and my plans don't define who I am. 

That is child life, though, and I hope you learned something from it. It won't be easy, but it will be exciting, and I can't wait to get started on this new journey.

My Breaking Heart

"Break my heart for what breaks yours."

These words sound so good, so right. Its a phrase most Christians know. Over-used and out of context.

It's a pretty phrase, but what does it mean?

What breaks God's heart? Pain, poverty, and the poor? The lost and lonely? The hurt and homeless?

I think it's me and you.

It is sin that God hates, it is sin that God cannot face. It is when you and I falter. It is everytime we fall and everytime we hurt, ourselves or others. It is the lies we believe and the sin that grows from them.

When I look back on my darkest, loneliest nights, it is then that I imagine God's heart breaking. He was always there, but the I chose the lies, and could not feel Him.

So in asking God to break our hearts for what breaks His we are asking to see others as He sees us, in love. We are asking to be a part of the darkness and to be impacted by it. We are asking to be moved, in His name.

I see what breaks others hearts. I have friends passionate about sex trafficking, better education, poverty, foster children, mental illness, self-harm, eating disorders. How incredible is it that our Lord sees all these things and loves on all of the lies and sin that these things are connected to? He is in all that darkness. Yet He has placed certain things on each of our own hearts, knowing we cannot see all.

Break my heart, Lord. This is a big prayer and I'm just beginning to understand what it means.

Terrified Without Doubt

That describes my life perfectly right now. I am so scared. I'm scared of this summer, I'm scared of college, I'm scared that I'm not doing anything this semester, I'm scared that I'm not growing. I'm scared of so many things in the world. And yet I am without doubt. Particularily about this summer. That's a strange place to be, and it's strange to put into words.

But that's how I feel. I feel that in almost six and half weeks when I pull into Camp Barnabas, after my six hour drive, all by myself I'm going to be scared. I will be in a place that I've never, ever been in, knowing absolutely no one, all by myself. I don't know what we will be doing. I don't know how I'm going to make friends. I'm not even really sure what I'm going to be doing all summer. I'm going to be terrified. Even that thought puts a knot in my stomach. And yet in between my fears there is excitement. Yes I will be scared, I AM scared. But I have no doubt that Barnabas is where I'm supposed to be this summer. As I write this I'm also watching videos of camp. I do this constantly, and have nearly all these videos memorized. I love them and watching them makes me smile, and yet puts tears in my eyes. I already feel such a passion for these children and this ministry. I cannot wait to be there. It's going to be hard, yes. It's going to be scary, yes. I'm going to be challenged, botht this summer, and in college, and in all the things to come.

I want to feel this way in all I do. Obviously life is going to be scary. It already is. There's so much unknown in the world. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. Life is random. Life is hard. But with God we are safe. We are held. Even when I am scared my God is confident. My God has it figured out. I don't have to have it figured out. I just have to be willing to walk. I have to be willing to get out on that water and trust that Jesus is with me.

I think I'm always going to have fear. But its not really about the fear, but about how I let that fear control me. If I surrender TO that fear then it will control me and paralyze me. But if I simply surrender the fear to the Lord then I will be ok. I will be able to grow and shed off that fear and live.

I'm not sure where I'm at right now. I'm okay. I'm unsure. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm excited.

More than anything God has been pounding lies about fear into my heart. Or rather, He's been pounding in the truth, and the world is pounding in lies. The truth is that the Bible addresses fear so many times. Not only directly, but through stories as well. I think there were a lot of Bible characters who got scared.

I am just beginning to explore fear and what it means to have it and what I am to do with it and how to surrender it to God. How do I even begin handing over this thing I barely have a grasp on? What does it mean to not be afraid? How do I get there?

I'm realizing that fear drives so many of my sins. Self-harming is the outpour of the fear of me being worthless or the fear that I am still a guilty sinner. Suicidal thoughts come from fear of forever struggling, of it never getting better. That's only two examples, but fear drives so much of what I do and why. I hope, though, that I can learn how to hand that fear to God and in return feel His peace and joy, pulling me away from that sin and those lies.

In any case I can see that God is teaching me. He is holding me and loving me, even through my fear, and even when my fear pushes me to disobey.

I'm excited to begin my journey, through the last six weeks of this semester, through my summer, and through the beginning of college. Through it there WILL be fear. I already know that. But there will also be joy and peace, and above all, CHRIST and His love for me.

So I'm going to leave you with this wonderful video of camper arrival. I cannot wait to be a part of this joy, these people, this place. Everyday I get more excited. God is so incredibly good.