But that's how I feel. I feel that in almost six and half weeks when I pull into Camp Barnabas, after my six hour drive, all by myself I'm going to be scared. I will be in a place that I've never, ever been in, knowing absolutely no one, all by myself. I don't know what we will be doing. I don't know how I'm going to make friends. I'm not even really sure what I'm going to be doing all summer. I'm going to be terrified. Even that thought puts a knot in my stomach. And yet in between my fears there is excitement. Yes I will be scared, I AM scared. But I have no doubt that Barnabas is where I'm supposed to be this summer. As I write this I'm also watching videos of camp. I do this constantly, and have nearly all these videos memorized. I love them and watching them makes me smile, and yet puts tears in my eyes. I already feel such a passion for these children and this ministry. I cannot wait to be there. It's going to be hard, yes. It's going to be scary, yes. I'm going to be challenged, botht this summer, and in college, and in all the things to come.
I want to feel this way in all I do. Obviously life is going to be scary. It already is. There's so much unknown in the world. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. Life is random. Life is hard. But with God we are safe. We are held. Even when I am scared my God is confident. My God has it figured out. I don't have to have it figured out. I just have to be willing to walk. I have to be willing to get out on that water and trust that Jesus is with me.
I think I'm always going to have fear. But its not really about the fear, but about how I let that fear control me. If I surrender TO that fear then it will control me and paralyze me. But if I simply surrender the fear to the Lord then I will be ok. I will be able to grow and shed off that fear and live.
I'm not sure where I'm at right now. I'm okay. I'm unsure. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm excited.
More than anything God has been pounding lies about fear into my heart. Or rather, He's been pounding in the truth, and the world is pounding in lies. The truth is that the Bible addresses fear so many times. Not only directly, but through stories as well. I think there were a lot of Bible characters who got scared.
I am just beginning to explore fear and what it means to have it and what I am to do with it and how to surrender it to God. How do I even begin handing over this thing I barely have a grasp on? What does it mean to not be afraid? How do I get there?
I'm realizing that fear drives so many of my sins. Self-harming is the outpour of the fear of me being worthless or the fear that I am still a guilty sinner. Suicidal thoughts come from fear of forever struggling, of it never getting better. That's only two examples, but fear drives so much of what I do and why. I hope, though, that I can learn how to hand that fear to God and in return feel His peace and joy, pulling me away from that sin and those lies.
In any case I can see that God is teaching me. He is holding me and loving me, even through my fear, and even when my fear pushes me to disobey.
I'm excited to begin my journey, through the last six weeks of this semester, through my summer, and through the beginning of college. Through it there WILL be fear. I already know that. But there will also be joy and peace, and above all, CHRIST and His love for me.
So I'm going to leave you with this wonderful video of camper arrival. I cannot wait to be a part of this joy, these people, this place. Everyday I get more excited. God is so incredibly good.
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