There is not a way to explain the way it feels to be here. It often depends on the moment, the day, the situation. I'm terrified. But I'm also brave. I'm excited. But I'm also unsure. I'm alone. But I'm content.
I'm trying to figure it all out, even three weeks into the semester. I figure this is a newbeginning, a time to start over, as cliche as that is for freshman year, and I'm going to use it. Because I'm a to-do list, schedule every minute, know months in advance, kind of person lets start with a list. A list of goals for college, big and little, serious and for fun, realistic and not, things I'd like to accomplish in the time between now and graduation. Here we go:
- Get into the Child Life program
- Spend time outside the country
- Spend at least an hour a week volunteering
- Get a job working with kids
- Be a Big Sister
- Become a student leader in something
- Continue playing the flute
- Do a job shadow of a child life specialist
- Become deeply involved in Parkview
- Find a coffee shop to call "mine"
- Do an alternative spring break trip
- Continue volunteering at the hospital
- Get an internship on the east coast……or Colorado
- Get a spanish minor
- Take an ASL class
- Go on a road trip
- Find a solid group of friends
- Live in an apartment or house
- Graduate with a child life degree…..on time or early!
- Grow in my relationship with Christ
I'm sure if I spent more time on this I could come up with several more things. But I'd say this covers most of it. Most of the important things. Most of the things that matter. And I could probably discuss each of these in much detail. But lets focus on the most important one. The one that matters most. The one that makes a difference.
To grow in my relationship with Christ. That's the goal. What does it mean? Well….let's see. I have no idea where I'll be a year from now or two years. My college plans teeter upon when I get into my program, where I get my internship, how many hours I take a semester. But here's what I do know:
A year, or two, or three (or twelve, or twenty or forty) from now I want to be continuing to draw close to the one who will see me through each adventure. I want to know my Father better than I know Him now, I want to be seeking Him daily, understanding that even if everything else falls through He will not. I want my life to be a reflection of His grace. I want my identity to be solely on Him alone.
Right now I'm in a place I can only call "content." I'm still very unsure, and quite nervous about so much of my new world. Volunteering at the hospital, while exciting, terrifies me to the core. I can see potential friends everywhere, but no one I really know. I'm good at not getting lost, but don't often feel that way. In my head this is home, but it does not feel that way yet. I see that I'm dearly loved by people far off, but cannot feel that love here. I'm a little fish and my new ocean is calm, but you cannot swim without encountering some waves, even on a sunny day.
I praise God daily for the immense blessings He has already put in my life. An amazing roommate, a wonderful ministry, a (relatively) easy class load, and oppurtunites to do the things I love (teaching Sunday School). I can see that I will find a home here, even if it takes time.
There is really nothing special to say about my college experience so far. I'm not drowning, but I'm not walking on the water either. It's a journey, like anything, and it takes time.
Daily I'm reminded of the simple truth that I'm abundently love. This lesson, the basis of the gospel, has been tearing me apart lately. The idea that God could love me in my mess is incredible. The understanding that the God who spoke the ocean into being, who paints each sunset, who designed butterfly wings, can walk alongside me, picking me up every single time I fall. And to know that I am not defined by the thousands of times I've failed, but by the cross alone. These reminders that I'm actively pursued by Christ, that He desires every part of me, that I am His daughter….these are the things I pray will guide me through college, and beyond.
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