Islands

     On October 25th I will be seeing Tenth Avenue North in concert for the sixth time. Their current tour is based on their new album "Islands." The point in these songs is that we are not islands. We are meant to be a community, in fact our God Himself is a community of the son, the father, and the spirit. "No man is an island." We are made to need one another.

     I am an introvert. For a long, long time I was on the fence about this. I was convinced that I was in between, a little bit of both. But that's wrong. Too many people overwhelm me. I feel easily lost in a crowd. Socializing is exhausting. The joy I find in being alone is unexplainable. I love going to Panera or Starbucks alone, I've spent many Friday nights with Netflix and my cat. One of my top three favorite things about college so far is the incredible amount of alone time I get. I thrive in small group settings, and drown when more than ten people show up. I like making myself an island.

     I don't need anyone else.

     This is what I used to think, what I often like to think. I like to convince myself that Jesus is my satisfaction, that community and brothers and sisters are not really that important, especially for my particular personality. This has especially come into light as I've entered Iowa, alone and a little lost. I came in with a deep understanding of having no one, of being alone. I spent my spring semester pretty alone, and then spent a good half of my summer struggling to make relationships. I'm good at being alone, and had little to no expectations for a community.

     Now as introverted as I am that doesn't mean I hate people. I just hate a lot of people at once and for a long time. I wanted friends here. Who doesn't? Especially with the understanding that I'll be here for the next four years. So I looked for a found a place. 24:7 has welcomed me with open arms and Parkview Church will be my new home church. I have made an effort, I am not living my college days locked in my dorm room with Netflix (only sometimes.) I want friends. 

     The battle for me has been in my need. I'm deeply afraid of friendship. Which sounds so silly. But I've ruined so many of them, and I have enough trouble gaining them in the first place. For me friendship is not a surface level thing. A quirk to my introverted self is that the relationships I do have are incredibly, incredibly important to me. This is a blessing and a curse. The people I care about I care about a lot. But this also means I put a lot of weight and importance on these people. Which doesn't always work out. I crave deep realtionships. So thinking about being at this huge university with thousands of new people is daunting. How are you supposed to build deep relationships in a setting like this? It overwhelms and unmotivates me.

     So I begin to think it isn't necessary. If I'm meant to have a relationship happen it'll happen, right? I don't actually need to put in that much effort, right? And if I go through this semester, or this year, or even college at all, with no real, deep relationships it's ok. Because Jesus is my everything. He's all I need. ……Right?

Wrong.

God has daily been weighing on my heart the loneliness that comes in refusing community. He has been tearing me apart with this idea that He created us as a body, and I'm meant to be within that body. He has put people in my life that push me (in good ways) to step out of my comfort zone to find my community here.

     I need community. You need community. We all need community. 

"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better things."

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main."

“Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation."

The body of Christ, being part of the vine, loving one another. There are a hundred verses I could quote right here that would explain why community is important. 

     I am learning that I am not alone. And that I'm not meant to be. Going to social events, opening myself up to strangers, being intentional about building relationships, reaching out, being brave. These things often exhaust me. But a relationship is not made in an introduction or a movie night. But in car rides and church services and lunch and texts and day by day, moment by moment.

 I am an introvert. 

     But I am meant for community. And so I will get off my island and sail to shore. And I will get there. By the grace of God and all His faithfulness there will be people to guide me and people to meet me. I am not alone. And I am not meant to be.

     

Coffee Shops and College Goals

     I'm sitting in a coffee shop on a Wednesday afternoon in Iowa City. Because these days I'm in college. Which is a strange thought when I spend too much time on it. That I'm here, that I'm growing up, that those dreams I've had my eye on for so long are becoming reality. That from here on out I'm kind of on my own.

    There is not a way to explain the way it feels to be here. It often depends on the moment, the day, the situation. I'm terrified. But I'm also brave. I'm excited. But I'm also unsure. I'm alone. But I'm content.

     I'm trying to figure it all out, even three weeks into the semester. I figure this is a newbeginning, a time to start over, as cliche as that is for freshman year, and I'm going to use it. Because I'm a to-do list, schedule every minute, know months in advance, kind of person lets start with a list. A list of goals for college, big and little, serious and for fun, realistic and not, things I'd like to accomplish in the time between now and graduation. Here we go:

• Get into the Child Life program
• Spend time outside the country
• Spend at least an hour a week volunteering
• Get a job working with kids
• Be a Big Sister
• Become a student leader in something
• Continue playing the flute
• Do a job shadow of a child life specialist
• Become deeply involved in Parkview
• Find a coffee shop to call "mine"
• Do an alternative spring break trip
• Continue volunteering at the hospital
• Get an internship on the east coast……or Colorado
• Get a spanish minor
• Take an ASL class
• Go on a road trip
• Find a solid group of friends
• Live in an apartment or house
• Graduate with a child life degree…..on time or early!
• Grow in my relationship with Christ

     I'm sure if I spent more time on this I could come up with several more things. But I'd say this covers most of it. Most of the important things. Most of the things that matter. And I could probably discuss each of these in much detail. But lets focus on the most important one. The one that matters most. The one that makes a difference.

     To grow in my relationship with Christ. That's the goal. What does it mean? Well….let's see. I have no idea where I'll be a year from now or two years. My college plans teeter upon when I get into my program, where I get my internship, how many hours I take a semester. But here's what I do know:

     A year, or two, or three (or twelve, or twenty or forty) from now I want to be continuing to draw close to the one who will see me through each adventure. I want to know my Father better than I know Him now, I want to be seeking Him daily, understanding that even if everything else falls through He will not. I want my life to be a reflection of His grace. I want my identity to be solely on Him alone.

     Right now I'm in a place I can only call "content." I'm still very unsure, and quite nervous about so much of my new world. Volunteering at the hospital, while exciting, terrifies me to the core. I can see potential friends everywhere, but no one I really know. I'm good at not getting lost, but don't often feel that way. In my head this is home, but it does not feel that way yet. I see that I'm dearly loved by people far off, but cannot feel that love here. I'm a little fish and my new ocean is calm, but you cannot swim without encountering some waves, even on a sunny day.

     I praise God daily for the immense blessings He has already put in my life. An amazing roommate, a wonderful ministry, a (relatively) easy class load, and oppurtunites to do the things I love (teaching Sunday School). I can see that I will find a home here, even if it takes time.

     There is really nothing special to say about my college experience so far. I'm not drowning, but I'm not walking on the water either. It's a journey, like anything, and it takes time.

     Daily I'm reminded of the simple truth that I'm abundently love. This lesson, the basis of the gospel, has been tearing me apart lately. The idea that God could love me in my mess is incredible. The understanding that the God who spoke the ocean into being, who paints each sunset, who designed butterfly wings, can walk alongside me, picking me up every single time I fall. And to know that I am not defined by the thousands of times I've failed, but by the cross alone. These reminders that I'm actively pursued by Christ, that He desires every part of me, that I am His daughter….these are the things I pray will guide me through college, and beyond.

With My Hands Wide Open

I spent my summer in the most beautiful, challenging, humbling place I've ever been. It's called Camp Barnabas and it's a Christian camp for kids and adults with special needs. For 10 weeks I was there, doing everything from kitchen to activities to cabin staffing. I got to interact with campers, volunteers, siblings, and staff. I grew, and was changed, beyond what I can even see.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy, or even that I liked it all the time. In fact there were many times, days, even weeks, when all I wanted was to go home. I was alone, overwhelmed, scared, and inadequate. I didn't understand why a God who loved me had set me in this terrifying, lonely place. I felt abandoned.

For weeks I begged God to show me my purpose, to give me a relationship, to make me feel purposeful and needed. I cried out with my whole heart, convinced that my God was not listening. Barnabas was hard for me in every possible way. For the first time in my life I was stuck in a job that I didn't really know how to do. I had never been there and I had never worked with special needs. I needed help, constantly, and I had to humble myself enough to ask for it. I was alone, forced to seek out and be intentional about building relationships, and relying on my God to satisfy me. I was terrified. Of everything. Of messing up, of not being good enough. I was incredibly uncomfortable, and constantly exhausted. And whenever I finally felt like I had my head above water something else would happen and I would be pushed back under. The summer never got easier, but it did get better.

There wasn't a real turning point. Relationships were built, lessons were realized, my trust grew. I cannot say I came out of the summer with full confidence in myself, not even close. But I can say that it grew, and that it will continue to grow. I stopped for a while and realized that I had spent the first half of my summer begging God to show me something, to give me a solid reason for why I was there, and all along He had been answering. My Father was telling me to wait, and I was not satisfied with that. And then I decided to be. God's purpose for my summer goes far beyond what I could see, or what I can see now. It was not in one moment or one camper or one relationship, but in every moment I grew in patience, and in every joyful day, and in every time I surrendered back to Him.

I could talk about my summer for hours, there isn't enough time to talk about the beauty that is Barnabas. I have never met a more compassionate set of junior highers before I got to spend a week with senior sibs. I've never felt so much love until Becca held up her "I love you" sign and said, "Love you more." I've never seen so much joy before I saw Lily go down the slide. I've never had quieter moments than simply rubbing camper's backs until they fell asleep. I've never held so many hands or gotten so many hugs. I've never heard prayers more genuine than that of camper's. I've never loved people watching so much until I spent an afternoon at the Barnabas pool. I fell in love with camper arrival week after week, it's a glimpse of heaven.

My God blessed me in more ways than I can imagine. I was given the privilege of building some of the most wonderful relationships with staff, girls whom I adore and who have shown me how big the love of Christ really is. I was given challenges, that I hated in the moment, hurdles I thought I could never jump. But looking back I can't imagine it going another way. God's plan prevailed over and over again, and each time it was so much better than mine.

This summer Jesus lead me, through the most perfect plan, to a place that took everything away from me. I was put down with no friends, no confidence, and no idea how to do my job. There was nothing I could hold onto. I was walking with my hands wide open. He put this huge mountain in front of me, and it wasn't usually easy. There were a lot of days that I wanted to just turn around. There were a lot of tears. But sometimes I would reach a resting point and I could see how far I'd come. I could look around and see the beauty. And I realized over and over again that I was holding onto something that would never let go. The God of the universe patiently lead me through my summer, even when I had no trust, even in exhaustion, even in paralyzing fear. He never let go of me.

It has been three days since I left the place I called home all summer, and I miss it. This alone goes to show how far I came, because at the beginning I could have left and never looked back. But I do miss it. I am so thankful for this place that I didn't even know existed a year ago. I am in awe of God's perfect plans. I stand amazed at His love, grace, and patience with me. I cannot praise Him enough for his goodness, His faithfulness, His gentleness.

We have the most trustworthy God. He is bigger than any problem we can face, and His love is not driven by our failures or our successes. His purpose is for our good, it doesn't always feel good. He does not lead us into a place just to abandon us. He is so very, very good, and I praise Him that I got to learn all of this at such a beautiful place this summer.

Far, Far Better Things

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite quotes ever. And it is one that has been on my mind lately, as I pack for camp and prepare for college and move closer to my graduation. 

This semester was long and difficult. Much more so than I expected. As it turns out the real world, even if that just means DMACC and a new job, is sometimes uncomfortable and scary. I can only imagine Iowa….and beyond. This semester I was forced to accept that only real friends will make an effort after high school (even if you still live in town). I confronted classes on my own, long days at a job I didn't like very much, and sometimes feeling left out of my friends's lives. My CNA class was difficult and I was very, very busy.

I know it was good, though. I can picture myself in high school right now and can guaruntee that I would be an unhappy camper. Because of my semester out I'm able to come back around to see that high school has blessed me in more ways than I thought, and to appreciate graduation. Sometimes you just need a step back to see the big picture.

High school was not as bad as I thought it was. I am glad to move on and out. But I now see that I was lucky to go to a school that allowed me to say that my senior year marks the tenth year of some friendships. I can see that our small speech team made a place for me and contributed to much of the confidence I now have. I can see that my life would not be the same without band, and I'm so glad I stuck with it all these years. I can see that the  ceremony will be a great way to close the doors and really step out of high school fully.

Although I can now appreciate it more, I will not miss high school.

I can honestly say that I've probably grown just as much or more this semester as I did in high school. It's easy to get comfortable, especially at a small school like Bondurant. It's not until you step out of the protection of people you've known for years, activities you love, and and enviroment you know like your own house, that you realize how warm and cozy it all really was. And when you get comfortable you stop growing and changing.

No matter where you are going next year or what you are doing, as close as DMACC or as far as across the country it will be uncomfortable. It will classes of strangers, buildings you've never been in, and extracurricular programs you're unfamiliar with. It'll be scary.

But it is also a door to a whole new chapter of our lives.

And I cannot wait.

This semester, in all my uncomfortableness, I learned a whole lot about fear and running to God with my whole self. I have been forced to trust God with this semester, and that trust will continue to be enforced as I enter a strange place called Camp Barnabas and an even stranger place called the University of Iowa. As I apply for my program and am forced to wait for that acceptance or rejection to direct my future, as a drive to Missouri on Wednesday, and as I move into my dorm in August, in all these things and thousands more, I will trust my faithful God.

I am so grateful for my God in times like these. I know that the passion He has given me for children will be used, even if it's not in ways I expect. I know that He has great plans for me, I am a work in progress, but I am HIS work. I know that He knows my future and it is safe in His hands. I know that He is with me. I know that, above all, He loves me, no matter what.

It is exciting to me to look back on high school. It's been some good times. From my first football game, to my first speech competition. From not wanting to mime to being a spontaneous speaker. From flute to piccolo, and to my first job. From long nights of homework, to movies and bonfires with friends. Sometimes its been hard, but I can look back onto so many good friends and memories, that I'm glad to have had.

However, when I walk across that stage I will be holding the hand of my Father and looking forward. Looking forward to taking Introduction to Play Therapy, which just sounds so wonderful, and to finding a new church in Iowa City. Looking forward to new friends and a place to start over. To joining clubs and trying new things. To living on my own and figuring out my future. Looking forward to the rest of my life, and to all God has planned for me.

I'm so thankful this semester wasn't what I expected, because it turns out I can now look back on high school in brighter light, but look forward to my future with a wide open door.

Yes, there are far, far better things ahead, and I can not wait to see what they are.

Child Life What?

So it's almost May, almost graduation, and almost time for the rest of my life. With graduation fast approaching I have to continually answer that question that all seniors get sick of by about January,

"So what are you going to do after high school?"

Unfortunately my early graduation did not aide me in not having to answer this question. So what do I want to do? Oh I am going to the University of Iowa….to major in child life.

Child what?

My conversation never ends there, it simply evolves into convincing whoever I am talking too that I am not going to become homeless and living on the streets, and this is indeed a real major and job.

I know this isn't super consistent with other posts, but it's my blog so this is what I'm doing.

Also this thing I'm going to major in and become is what I'm most passionate about (other than Jesus of course) and it's important to me that I educate every single person possible. So here we go!

In the fall of 2014 I'll be heading to the University of Iowa to major in Leisure Studies on the Child Life Track. Woah what a mouthful. I put that on all my scholarships and they will probably get thrown out because it sounds like something I made up. Leisure Studies? Sounds like I'll be spending my college years on the couch. But that is not true! (I mean, mostly anyway.)

What am I going to do with this crazy major? Become a Child Life Specialist (CLS) of course!

Child Life Specialists are "trained professionals with expertise in helping children and their families overcome life’s most challenging events." That is straight off the Child Life Council website. So now you have a clear understanding of how I'll be making a living, right?

Well…probably not. So let me enlighten you a little more…..

WITH SOME MORE COUNCIL QUOTES.

"Child life specialists promote effective coping through play, preparation, education, and self-expression activities."

"They provide emotional support for families, and encourage optimum development of children facing a broad range of challenging experiences, particularly those related to healthcare and hospitalization."

"Because they understand that a child’s wellbeing depends on the support of the family, child life specialists provide information, support and guidance to parents, siblings, and other family members."

"They also play a vital role in educating caregivers, administrators, and the general public about the needs of children under stress."

They just put it in such an eloquent way. I'm still working on my delivery, which can range from a 10 second explanation to a 10 minute speech, depending on how much the person I'm talking to actually cares.

Here's whats up. Basically I want to work in a hospital. I don't want to be a nurse or doctor. I want to help children cope, through what they know how to do best, be kids. I want to help them understand what a heart surgery is by demonstrating on their teddy bear. I want to distract them from IV's with bubbles and toys. I want to make sure that in the midst of chemo they still get to play. I want families to feel comfortable in the hospital, I don't want siblings to be left out. I want to make Christmas at the hospital just as fun as the one at home and I want to make sure sicks kids still get to make messes and paint and play dress-up because nothing should stop a kid from being a kid.

My career path is not an easy one. It sounds like I will be playing and watching movies all day, but that is not true. You cannot work around sick kids and have an easy job. 

My dream is to move to the east coast and work at a large children's hospital with terminally ill children. 

Before I can even think of doing that, however, I have to get into the program at Iowa, where about 30 out of 100 applicants will get accepted. Volunteer hours, expereince with kids, and grades are only a few of the things they consider for applicants.

I have to keep up my grades, because internships require good grades, St. Judes, for example requires a 3.5. 

Then I have to apply for internships, of which there are few. There are approximately 5,000 hospitals in the United States. 400 of these have child life programs. Fewer than that have internships. That may sound like a lot, but when I'm competing with every other child life student in the United States for a limited number of spots it's not.

To get certified I then have to complete the certification exam, a four hour, 150 question test that I must pass in order to become a certified child life specialist.

Then I'm off to find a job which, again are growing, but are few and difficult to get sometimes. Then, hopefully, after I find a job I can work on getting my master's degree. And as you can imagine, I won't be getting paid very much.

I've known that I wanted to do this since I was fifteen, after volunteering for a year at Blank Children's Hospital with child life specialists in the playroom. This is my calling, this is God's plan for my life, I know it. But it won't be an easy one. But I love it so much, I already do. I know it will require me to work hard and put myself out there. It could easily include many disappointments. But somehow I will get there and it will be amazing.

It's good to know what I want to do with my life, but it also brings forth an array of problems. It's hard to trust God's plan when I'm often so convinced that mine is perfect already. It is showing me how to trust Him and His timing, and how my future and my plans don't define who I am. 

That is child life, though, and I hope you learned something from it. It won't be easy, but it will be exciting, and I can't wait to get started on this new journey.

My Breaking Heart

"Break my heart for what breaks yours."

These words sound so good, so right. Its a phrase most Christians know. Over-used and out of context.

It's a pretty phrase, but what does it mean?

What breaks God's heart? Pain, poverty, and the poor? The lost and lonely? The hurt and homeless?

I think it's me and you.

It is sin that God hates, it is sin that God cannot face. It is when you and I falter. It is everytime we fall and everytime we hurt, ourselves or others. It is the lies we believe and the sin that grows from them.

When I look back on my darkest, loneliest nights, it is then that I imagine God's heart breaking. He was always there, but the I chose the lies, and could not feel Him.

So in asking God to break our hearts for what breaks His we are asking to see others as He sees us, in love. We are asking to be a part of the darkness and to be impacted by it. We are asking to be moved, in His name.

I see what breaks others hearts. I have friends passionate about sex trafficking, better education, poverty, foster children, mental illness, self-harm, eating disorders. How incredible is it that our Lord sees all these things and loves on all of the lies and sin that these things are connected to? He is in all that darkness. Yet He has placed certain things on each of our own hearts, knowing we cannot see all.

Break my heart, Lord. This is a big prayer and I'm just beginning to understand what it means.

Terrified Without Doubt

That describes my life perfectly right now. I am so scared. I'm scared of this summer, I'm scared of college, I'm scared that I'm not doing anything this semester, I'm scared that I'm not growing. I'm scared of so many things in the world. And yet I am without doubt. Particularily about this summer. That's a strange place to be, and it's strange to put into words.

But that's how I feel. I feel that in almost six and half weeks when I pull into Camp Barnabas, after my six hour drive, all by myself I'm going to be scared. I will be in a place that I've never, ever been in, knowing absolutely no one, all by myself. I don't know what we will be doing. I don't know how I'm going to make friends. I'm not even really sure what I'm going to be doing all summer. I'm going to be terrified. Even that thought puts a knot in my stomach. And yet in between my fears there is excitement. Yes I will be scared, I AM scared. But I have no doubt that Barnabas is where I'm supposed to be this summer. As I write this I'm also watching videos of camp. I do this constantly, and have nearly all these videos memorized. I love them and watching them makes me smile, and yet puts tears in my eyes. I already feel such a passion for these children and this ministry. I cannot wait to be there. It's going to be hard, yes. It's going to be scary, yes. I'm going to be challenged, botht this summer, and in college, and in all the things to come.

I want to feel this way in all I do. Obviously life is going to be scary. It already is. There's so much unknown in the world. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. Life is random. Life is hard. But with God we are safe. We are held. Even when I am scared my God is confident. My God has it figured out. I don't have to have it figured out. I just have to be willing to walk. I have to be willing to get out on that water and trust that Jesus is with me.

I think I'm always going to have fear. But its not really about the fear, but about how I let that fear control me. If I surrender TO that fear then it will control me and paralyze me. But if I simply surrender the fear to the Lord then I will be ok. I will be able to grow and shed off that fear and live.

I'm not sure where I'm at right now. I'm okay. I'm unsure. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm excited.

More than anything God has been pounding lies about fear into my heart. Or rather, He's been pounding in the truth, and the world is pounding in lies. The truth is that the Bible addresses fear so many times. Not only directly, but through stories as well. I think there were a lot of Bible characters who got scared.

I am just beginning to explore fear and what it means to have it and what I am to do with it and how to surrender it to God. How do I even begin handing over this thing I barely have a grasp on? What does it mean to not be afraid? How do I get there?

I'm realizing that fear drives so many of my sins. Self-harming is the outpour of the fear of me being worthless or the fear that I am still a guilty sinner. Suicidal thoughts come from fear of forever struggling, of it never getting better. That's only two examples, but fear drives so much of what I do and why. I hope, though, that I can learn how to hand that fear to God and in return feel His peace and joy, pulling me away from that sin and those lies.

In any case I can see that God is teaching me. He is holding me and loving me, even through my fear, and even when my fear pushes me to disobey.

I'm excited to begin my journey, through the last six weeks of this semester, through my summer, and through the beginning of college. Through it there WILL be fear. I already know that. But there will also be joy and peace, and above all, CHRIST and His love for me.

So I'm going to leave you with this wonderful video of camper arrival. I cannot wait to be a part of this joy, these people, this place. Everyday I get more excited. God is so incredibly good.